LANSING, Mich -- Here in the home of the Lansing Lugnuts, the
local baseball team named after the town's premier product, is also to be
found a unique work of art -- a statue of a lugnut on a tall column. Just
further evidence of America's greatness.
Speaking of Americana, you can't have a scandal in this country
without some special input from Texas, that famous je ne sais
quoi for which we are so noted. We offer the following delicious
details for your delectation.
Last June, Gov. Rick "Goodhair" Perry (he has very good hair)
appointed an Enron executive to be chairman of the state Public Utilities
Commission, because this is Texas and whom else would you put on the
commission that regulates energy companies but an energy company executive?
The next day, Perry got a $25,000 donation from Ken Lay. We
might have worried about this, but Perry has cleared up the whole thing. The
timing, he said, was "totally coincidental." We were all greatly relieved to
learn this, since some with dirty minds might have thought there was a
connection. We are also pleased with the fresh nuances in "totally
coincidental." Just the other day, my dog got into the garbage and ate
chicken bones then, totally coincidentally, she barfed on the living-room
rug.
In the further adventures of Gov. Goodhair (now also known as
"Old Coincidence), his Enron appointee, Max Yzaguirre, turned out to have a
blot on his record. Democrats demanded the public records about the
background of the new chair of the PUC, and the records include any brushes
with the law, no matter how minor.
In addition to a couple of youthful driving incidents,
Commissioner Yzaquirre turns out to have shot a whooping crane in 1989,
apparently under the impression that it was a goose. He had to pay a $15,000
fine under the Endangered Species Act, a thing that could happen to
practically anybody (in 1994, when President George W. was running for
governor, he shot a protected killdeer on the theory that it was a dove).
But the Goodhair administration was embarrassed about the dead whooper, so
they whited out this interesting information before releasing the
commissioner's forms.
Well, it was some cover-up and probably would have worked,
except alert citizens noticed the blank and raised questions and the whole
sad story came out. Yzaguirre recently saw fit to resign, thus ending what
we all thought was a really fun episode.
Meanwhile, the attorney general of Texas, John Cornyn, announced
firmly that he would investigate Enron and all its nefarious doings, which
caused the citizenry to rejoice, except for those picky people at the public
interest groups who pointed out that Cornyn has received $193,000 in
campaign contributions from Enron officials since 1997. Cornyn was prepared
to ignore the pesky watchdogs and announced firmly he would so investigate,
but, totally coincidentally, he recused himself the next day.
You might think some public officeholder in Texas could
investigate Enron without questions being raised over campaign
contributions -- after all, many members of Congress who have received
generous contributions from Enron are now investigating it. But even if we
could investigate and prosecute, the cases would likely wind up in the state
supreme court and -- surprise! -- seven out of nine judges on the Supreme
Court seem to be Enron beneficiaries, as well. It's hard to think how we
could be having a better time in Texas.
Some Texas pols have taken the unusual step of donating their
Enron contributions to the fund to help the fired Enron employees. Most
notably Sen. Kaye Bailey Hutchison, who got $99,500, has given $100,000 to
the fund, and that's a big chunk to turn over. Now if President bush were to
return his Enron contributions, over $2 million all told, we could be
talking some real progress on health care insurance for the busted
employees.
To find out more about Molly Ivins and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web
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