AUSTIN, Texas -- Yup, Al Gore wrote his own speech, all right. Don't you
love the instant cliches? "He did what he had to do."
The conventional wisdom decided not to be knocked out of the park by it
(mandatory cliche) but agreed that he did what he had to do. But how will
the American people respond to the news that he did what he had to do?
The American people, perversely paying no attention at all to any of this,
preferred "The Daily Show" take on all this on Comedy Central, a shrewd
programming choice.
My favorite line of the convention was from Jim Miklaszewski of MSNBC.
Sitting in the midst of the California delegation on the first night, he
looked around pop-eyed and said: "You know, I have to say, there's more
diversity in this one state's delegation than there was at the whole
Republican convention."
Here's some more good news for Gore, who did what had to be done. Some
merry pranksters in the Texas Democratic Party think they've figured out how
to solve Gore's problem with Ralph Nader. They're rounding up a bunch of
Yellow Dogs (derivation: ancient wheeze -- "He'd vote for a yella dawg if
h'it was runnin' as a Democrat"). These congenital Democrats in Texas are
willing to trade their Gore votes in November for a Nader vote with anyone
living in a swing state.
Since Texas' electoral votes will go to George W. Bush in any case, this
does Gore no harm and still helps Nader get the Greens the 5 percent that he
needs to qualify for federal funding, should the country survive until 2004.
Last time I checked, it was still illegal to offer anyone an inducement to
change his vote, but the pranksters claim that the law is mum on straight
swap. Glad someone is having fun with this.
Speaking of fun, I'd like to credit Pat Buchanan of the Reform Party with
the shrewdest veep pick in history. His running mate is a black, female John
Bircher, so she brings with her the entire black, female Bircher vote. A
stroke of genius. Let's insist that she be included in the veep debates.
And how pleased we are that Monicagate continues to drag its weary way
through the justice system. Just what we've all been dying for: more legal
proceedings about the president's affair. I, for one, can't wait to learn
even more about it. As Joe Lieberman says, "Is this a great country or
what?"
I'm fascinated by the male gender gap on Bush and Gore. One guy played
football, went to Vietnam and is notoriously emotionally constipated,
listening seriously to women who tell him to get in touch with his emotions
but clearly hopeless at it. The other guy was a cheerleader who got into a
National Guard unit through family influence, lost money in the oil
business, traded Sammy Sosa to the White Sox and is now sliding through a
presidential race on his charm. Do I not get American men or what?
Not that being president of your fraternity and governor of Texas isn't a
wide political resume. Isn't it?
Not to nitpick the cineaste's art, but of the two convention bio films, the
Spike Jonze look at the lighter side of Gore ("My wife keeps going around
barefoot -- it's messing up my image as a stiff guy") was so much better
than Mark McKinnon's confection of pallid platitudes from Bush delivered
against a wide Texas sky that it was sort of embarrassing. But then, Jonze
is the guy who made "Being John Malkovich," while McKinnon is the guy who
made ... uh, some Texas political ads.
So here are the Democrats, stuck trying to sell the steak, not the sizzle,
of the sizzleless Gore, while Republicans attempt to tap-dance their way
through with the vaguest of pink-cloud plans and a likable candidate.
My favorite criticism of the Gore speech was the one affecting not to
understand what the man meant when he said he would fight for families
against the special interests. "Populist rhetoric" is the put-down for such
heretical thoughts.
Who could Gore have meant?
The drug companies that keep sneaking patent extensions through Congress so
they can keep overcharging you? The insurance industry and the HMOs that
keep telling your doctor how to treat you? The communications industry that
bought a major deregulation through Congress in 1996, leading to an ungodly
concentration of ownership? Electric utilities now ripping you off? Auto
companies stalling against environmental requirements? The financial
industry slavering for billions in commissions if Social Security is
privatized?
I would continue, but I'm out of space.
Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. To find out
more about Molly Ivins and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers
and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.
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